And a woman who has an unbelieving husband, and he consents to live with her, she must not send her husband away. For the unbelieving husband is sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified through her believing husband for otherwise your children are unclean, but now they are holy. Yet if the unbelieving one leaves, let him leave the brother or the sister is not under bondage in such cases, but God has called us to peace. For how do you know, O wife, whether you will save your husband? Or how do you know, O husband, whether you will save your wife? - 1 Corinthians 7:13-16
I need to be reminded of this sometimes because of my own divorce and the way I felt about it afterwards. My ex husband said he was a believer, but he was not. This means I am free to love and live my life the way God wants me to live it. I am no longer in the bondage of that marriage, because the unbeliever left the believer. God has called us to peace. I like that. Not under bondage. I like that too. It's something I need to remember always!
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Monday, September 21, 2009
Storm: Jealousy
I have this friend. She seems to have the perfect life. I know that nobody actually does have a perfect life, but hers seems amazing. She has a great husband, two beautiful children, and is an extremely happy person. She doesn't have to go to work every day. She does these facebook status updates about taking her kids for a walk and doing silly things with her daughter during the day. I read these things and it makes me hate my life.
I get jealous of her life sometimes, and I know that's not the right response. I know I'm supposed to be happy for others when they are happy, but I think of how miserable I am most of the time and how she has everything I wish I had, and I wonder why she is blessed so much and I'm not. I wonder what I've done wrong and what she has done right. She's only one year older than I am and yet she doesn't have to worry about whether or not she will ever meet someone or have children. She has already had all the experiences I want so much.
I'm going to work on this jealousy this week and I hope I can get rid of it. Most of the time, I'm happy for her and think it's great that she is happy. But right now, when I read about how blessed and happy she is, I just want to cry.
I am at the point right now where I would rather be dead than grow old alone. I would rather die now than face a future of unfulfilled desires and wishes. I guess that's another thing I need to work on this week.
I get jealous of her life sometimes, and I know that's not the right response. I know I'm supposed to be happy for others when they are happy, but I think of how miserable I am most of the time and how she has everything I wish I had, and I wonder why she is blessed so much and I'm not. I wonder what I've done wrong and what she has done right. She's only one year older than I am and yet she doesn't have to worry about whether or not she will ever meet someone or have children. She has already had all the experiences I want so much.
I'm going to work on this jealousy this week and I hope I can get rid of it. Most of the time, I'm happy for her and think it's great that she is happy. But right now, when I read about how blessed and happy she is, I just want to cry.
I am at the point right now where I would rather be dead than grow old alone. I would rather die now than face a future of unfulfilled desires and wishes. I guess that's another thing I need to work on this week.
Monday, August 10, 2009
Storm: Broken Heart
The "relationship" I was talking about last time? I ended it yesterday. It was so hard, but I knew I had to do it. You see, I met this guy and became friends with him in March of this year. We spent a lot of time together, also around other people, in March and April. We began a relationship in May. It was mostly physical, which I know is not the kind of relationship a Christian should be engaged in. The problem was, he was already in a relationship with someone else, although he was very unhappy. I think he saw me as a respite from her, a place he could go when he was upset with her that was completely different from her. He was always telling me I had a calming influence on him, and that he needed some peace in his life. I thought I could give that to him and he would be so happy that he would break up with her.
Well, throughout the next few months, I fell in love with him - and he continued to see me as an escape from his girlfriend. It was my fault in so many ways, I knew he had someone and that he wasn't willing to break up with her just yet. Everytime they had a fight, he would call me and tell me it was over and ask me if we could get together. I was just so happy to have some affection that I let him do this to me over and over.
Well, yesterday morning, I had enough of the situation and told him it was over. I told him I needed time and distance from him and that I didn't want him to contact me until he had made a final decision about what he really wants. I felt so empowered and so brave! I knew I was doing the right thing because the relationship wasn't pleasing to God and it wasn't healthy for me. I know I needed to get out of it and I know it was the right decision.
But today. Today is a dark day. This is the day of the storm, my friends. I sit in my office with a view of the Interstate and one of the busiest intersections in the city. Everytime I see a vehicle the same color as his, I have to stare at it for a few seconds to make sure it's not him. Everytime I leave my office, I have to check my phone to see if he has called or sent a text message. Although I'm free, I'm still chained. And I know it's because I told him to call me when he makes a decision. I guess that's what happens when you love someone. You can let them go, but it's hard to really let them go altogether. The problem, of course, is that I think he's a very good person inside - he's just not letting that person come out very often right now. When I look at him, I see this amazing person he could be. I was talking to a very good friend last night about all this and he made a point that I tend to be very intuitive about people and I see things in them that they don't even see. What good is a gift like that if the person doesn't want to become that thing that I see? I wanted to help him become a better man. He wanted that too, but he just can't get out of the situation he's in because he's weak and confused.
So that's my current storm. The good news is, this whole situation has brought me back to studying the Bible and really trying to learn the heart of God. I've decided that His will for my life is so much more important and so much more amazing than anything I could have ever thought up. All I have to do is get back there, back to His will and His plan for my life and I will finally find the things I seek.
Well, throughout the next few months, I fell in love with him - and he continued to see me as an escape from his girlfriend. It was my fault in so many ways, I knew he had someone and that he wasn't willing to break up with her just yet. Everytime they had a fight, he would call me and tell me it was over and ask me if we could get together. I was just so happy to have some affection that I let him do this to me over and over.
Well, yesterday morning, I had enough of the situation and told him it was over. I told him I needed time and distance from him and that I didn't want him to contact me until he had made a final decision about what he really wants. I felt so empowered and so brave! I knew I was doing the right thing because the relationship wasn't pleasing to God and it wasn't healthy for me. I know I needed to get out of it and I know it was the right decision.
But today. Today is a dark day. This is the day of the storm, my friends. I sit in my office with a view of the Interstate and one of the busiest intersections in the city. Everytime I see a vehicle the same color as his, I have to stare at it for a few seconds to make sure it's not him. Everytime I leave my office, I have to check my phone to see if he has called or sent a text message. Although I'm free, I'm still chained. And I know it's because I told him to call me when he makes a decision. I guess that's what happens when you love someone. You can let them go, but it's hard to really let them go altogether. The problem, of course, is that I think he's a very good person inside - he's just not letting that person come out very often right now. When I look at him, I see this amazing person he could be. I was talking to a very good friend last night about all this and he made a point that I tend to be very intuitive about people and I see things in them that they don't even see. What good is a gift like that if the person doesn't want to become that thing that I see? I wanted to help him become a better man. He wanted that too, but he just can't get out of the situation he's in because he's weak and confused.
So that's my current storm. The good news is, this whole situation has brought me back to studying the Bible and really trying to learn the heart of God. I've decided that His will for my life is so much more important and so much more amazing than anything I could have ever thought up. All I have to do is get back there, back to His will and His plan for my life and I will finally find the things I seek.
Sunday, August 2, 2009
Storm: Loneliness 2
And here I am again, talking about loneliness. Wow - this is such a big issue for me right now and has been since my 32nd birthday. Looking back, I can see that was the catalyst for my current problem with still being single. So now I'm only 3 months away from turning 33 and am thinking I will never find someone to love. Oh, I have some feelings for someone who has some feelings for me, but it's not the right kind of relationship and is going to be a disaster if I let it continue. I can't seem to let go of it, though.
I'm trying to let go - trying to move on, but there isn't anywhere to move to and besides that, I think I love him. Of course, there is no future in loving someone who is not going to love you back. I'm not sure if he is or not, if he ever will or not. But I do know one thing, I want to be pursued, cherished, treated like a princess. And I'm not being treated that way right now. Right now I'm an afterthought and if that doesn't hurt someone, I don't know what can.
Oddly enough, there are other guys out there who could be prospects, but I'm not really an attractive person so anytime I'm interested in someone they tend to only be interested in me as a friend. That says a lot about my personality but in the end really does nothing for my current situation, which is loneliness. I love my friends and wouldn't trade them for the world, but I really need someone who will hold me at night when I get scared about all the uncertainty in the world and will tell me it's going to be okay.
This week, I am going to search for some Biblical solutions to loneliness. I think working through some verses about it might help. I'll post them here.
I'm trying to let go - trying to move on, but there isn't anywhere to move to and besides that, I think I love him. Of course, there is no future in loving someone who is not going to love you back. I'm not sure if he is or not, if he ever will or not. But I do know one thing, I want to be pursued, cherished, treated like a princess. And I'm not being treated that way right now. Right now I'm an afterthought and if that doesn't hurt someone, I don't know what can.
Oddly enough, there are other guys out there who could be prospects, but I'm not really an attractive person so anytime I'm interested in someone they tend to only be interested in me as a friend. That says a lot about my personality but in the end really does nothing for my current situation, which is loneliness. I love my friends and wouldn't trade them for the world, but I really need someone who will hold me at night when I get scared about all the uncertainty in the world and will tell me it's going to be okay.
This week, I am going to search for some Biblical solutions to loneliness. I think working through some verses about it might help. I'll post them here.
Friday, May 29, 2009
Storm: Fear
Fear is a storm I'm always dealing with in one way or another. I'm constantly fearing something, or worrying about something. Will I lose my job? Will I be out on the street? Will I fail at something I'm really trying to do? What if nobody loves me? What if I'm alone forever? What if I never get to be a mom? What if I'm not doing what God wants me to do? What if I am? ARGH!
These are the fears we face and as Christians, they are very difficult to handle sometimes. We know we are not supposed to worry. That we are to be still and know that God is in control. But still we worry. Why do we do this?
I've been thinking a lot about worry and about fears. I think it's important to get to the root of these things and see why they plague us so much. So that's what I'm doing right now, getting to the root of my fears.
Failure - We all want to succeed. It's a matter of personal pride. Of course, pride is a sin, so I guess we should leave that behind. The thing is, I want people to know I'm successful, to know that I have succeeded in what I have attempted. I want people to respect me and say that I can accomplish things and that those things are good. It also goes back to an attitude of "I want to show all those people in high school that I actually do have a great life," which is pretty dumb considering that nobody really thought I wouldn't have a great life and I had a lot of friends who knew I would. So why do I fear failure? My track record states that I won't fail, if anything I will succeed. With God's help, I can get this particular fear under control. That's a priority.
Marriage and Family - Oh I've talked about this one at length and no need to belabor them here. This is a very real fear of mine, though. Something that I can't seem to get under control, even when people tell me stories about women who waited until they were 40 to have a child. I hear TV reports about someone becoming menopausal at the age of 33 and I think about how I only have a few months left until I am that age! But of course, those are extreme cases and chances are I have at least 10 years before I have to worry about that. To find someone to love is another thing altogether. I like being held and being taken care of, and I like having someone to hold and take care of. I want to know that I am special to someone, that someone is thinking about me. This is the hardest to control of all the fears I have, and I have to turn it over to God on a daily basis. Sometimes even on an hourly basis!
God's Plan - Because this is so unsure and unknown, I fear it. Oh, I'm willing to do whatever He says I should do, but how do I know what He says? What He wants? I read the Bible and I try to figure out what it means to me, I try to listen and I try to be still - but I never really hear anything concrete. It's something I struggle with and really need to figure out.
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